


Feelings

by Chippa



Category: Callan (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Meres/Callan Unrequited Love, Meres/Trainee implied, Poor toby, a bit angsty, rated T for swear words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-11 20:10:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20159407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chippa/pseuds/Chippa
Summary: Toby muses on what he feels for Callan and his trainees.





	Feelings

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A Step Too Far](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19397374) by [potentiality_26](https://archiveofourown.org/users/potentiality_26/pseuds/potentiality_26). 

> I was re-reading A Step Too Far and there was a paragraph in there about Meres and a trainee which inspired me to try and capture Toby's thoughts on the subject.
> 
> Unfortunately I seem to be incapable of writing smut so this came out instead :)
> 
> I meant for this to be a little happier but silly Toby didn't want it to have a happy ending.

Meres looked up as Callan came down the stairs and into the firing range. “See Turner,” he said to his latest trainee, “this is the man you should be emulating”.

“The best shot in the section, great at unarmed combat and even passable to look at, which helps when they send him on undercover missions to seduce the ladies.” Meres smirked before adding “he’s obviously second only to me”.

“Sure Toby, you wish” shot back Callan. “Cos obviously you’re the bleedin’ best at everything mate”.

“I’m only trying to give young Turner here a role model to look up to – if you can’t take a compliment…”

“It’s no bloody compliment, you’re just trying to make yourself look good at my expense to impress your latest pretty young thing”.

“I’m the top man in the section remember and you follow my orders, not the other way round and don’t you forget it”. With that Callan stomped back up the stairs and out of view leaving Meres fuming that he’d been made to look a fool.

Meres wished he could just hate Callan like he told everyone he did. Maybe if he repeated it enough he might just believe it himself one day. The problem was, what he did feel for the man was so much more complicated than that.

It wasn’t love. He wouldn’t even allow himself to think about things like that, that was just too dangerous. He did desire the man though and he cared. He cared a lot more than was wise.

He’d accepted his feelings now. At first he hoped if he could just antagonise Callan enough to get him to react that maybe he could learn to despise the man instead of this annoying, terrifying mix of emotions he had. Eventually he had realised that it wasn’t going to work and he was merely needling him just to get any kind of reaction at all. That even a negative reaction was better than cool indifference.

That was why he fucked his trainees he supposed. He couldn’t have Callan so he’d make do, and pretend, and lie to himself that maybe one day, some day it would be Callan in his bed instead. He knew full well of course that this wasn’t likely to happen – you didn’t need to be Snell to see that Callan’s preferences ran to women not men but sometimes, when he was tired it was easier to lie to himself.

Of course he never quite put it into those terms to his sometimes willing, often not, trainees.

No, much better to make them think it was all part of the training. That he was just being a thorough teacher covering any eventuality.

“Yes of course you must do this” he would tell them smoothly. “If you ever need to seduce someone, male or female, you must be ready for it”.

“It’s just the same as firing your weapon” he would say to override any objections that may be made. “You must be able to fire without thought, fuck without thought. It’s just another target. None of it really matters in the end, just doing the job with the minimum of fuss and the minimum of feelings”.

Maybe one day he’ll be able to train himself to take his own advice and not feel. Until then though, there is the whisky and the faceless trainees and the stupid, dangerous hope that Callan might notice him.


End file.
